Avfloking III: It is not paranoia if it has happened before

Oppdatering 21.03.13: Det har skjedd utrolig mye i de to årene siden jeg skrev dette. Nå legger jeg det ut på nytt, lettere redigert for klarhetens skyld. (Jeg aner ikke hvorfor det ble skrevet på engelsk.)

August 25, 2013: So much has happened since I wrote this "detangling" 2 1/2 years ago. I have no idea why it was written in English, but since it was, I'll be linking to it in my other blog. Insertions that I make today, for clarity, will be marked in brown.

Feb. 8^th, 2011

It is not paranoia if it has happened before

I left my latest GP appointment in a tangle of unease and discomfort and a disheartening  feeling that I’d done something wrong.

When I came I was so proud of the achievements I had recorded (in Norwegian)  in “Avfloking  1” – I had worked for months to get to this point, and when I told Young GP about it, I got all tangled up. I realized that I was having a post-traumatic stress reaction, so I just got out of there before things got worse, and I managed to curb my impulse to phone or write to try to clear up misunderstandings.

It took lots of detangling before I could look objectively at what happened.

Short version: I’d broken the “thou shalt not be aware”  taboo. When that happens, all the shit mostpeople refuse to see sticks to the taboo breaker. (see “Integrity is our mental skin”)

More than 20 years previously I had broken that taboo by being aware that I did not trust the local psychiatric area supervisor, and refusing to learn to trust him in therapy. Then I was borderlined (link to post in Norwegian) to the brink of suicide, and if I had killed myself, I would have confirmed the diagnosis. 

I do not suspect Young GP, whom I like and trust, of borderlining me. But I do think that he is bright-siding me.  And  I do realize that I am making his situation more difficult by dwelling on the integrity damage that two of his older colleagues, whom he meets regularly and probably likes and trusts, caused years ago. (One is still the psychiatric area supervisor, ex-GP is the district medical officer)

Well, I liked and trusted ex-GP too, until the psychiatric area supervisor taught him that “she must be allowed to realize that she can come short”, without checking how far I had come. 

Let me repeat that I do not suspect Young GP of anything but wishing I were more positive –  and maybe less tangled.

I can sort out tangles, but I can’t do “positive” any more, not if I wish to lose weight, exercise, get my blood pressure down and soften and strengthen my stiff back.

What I can do, is “realistic”.

Look at it this way: If I had been in a traffic accident, and my body was badly mangled, no one would expect me to put the damage behind me, not dwell on it, be positive, and look to the future. But when it comes to invisible integrity damage, that seems to be what the Health Services expect and want.

It would be patently ridiculous to diagnose and treat a mangled body as “depression”. But that was the diagnosis my mangled integrity got at a physical  rehab centre last year. When I asked the MD there why he  couldn’t diagnose “stress” or “exhaustion” or "long-term effects of abuse", he said that NAV – The Norwegian Labour and Welfare Administration – did not accept that as a diagnosis. 

Young MD has given me the diagnosis “Widespread muscular pain”. Well, I do have that, and I’m on the waiting list to see a specialist on Fibromyalgia. (have been for a year and a half)

So … I have two diagnoses, and none of them fit the problem. 

And the problem is invisible in the health services.